I Am.

Life after college has been very interesting. It's not what I expected it to be at all... then again, I didn't really have too many expectations. But thinking about it, I have been in school for 18 years. That is approximately 80% of my life that has been taken up by the hustle and bustle of school and all of its responsibilities. Now I am entering into a new phase of my life that is quite different. Yeah, there is still a lot of hustle and bustle, but it's a different kind. When going to school, there is constantly something going on as far as homework, group meetings, rehearsals, performances, class, etc... When all that is said and done, and a degree is handed to ya, all of those responsibilities are no more. My life that was once filled with consistent chaos suddenly became completely silent... Now, I hear crickets and ask myself, "Now what?" ha.
I am quickly figuring out what it means to be a "real" human, and quite honestly, "adulthood" has not given me a very warm welcoming. There are a lot of stresses that are poured on top of you that no one can fix except yourself. I must say that I have learned quite a lot about who I am... and a lot of it has been hard to face. I am sure you know this already, but trusting is probably the hardest thing to accomplish. I mean trust in several different ways:

TRUSTING PEOPLE:
This is something that is so unbelievably scary. People are people. We all fail. But it can be so hard finding true, lasting friendships. People have their own agenda and most of the time are not too concerned about yours. Being in a tough industry, it's been hard dealing with this. You NEVER know who can be trusted with your heart. There is a guard that has to be put up... which I had to learn the hard way. How do you know when to be completely open with people and know that they aren't going to hurt you? Recently, I have been so blessed. I have said a lot of prayers and God has been faithful. He has given me new relationships that have been so amazing! Whitney, Michel, and Parker have come into my life a lot more often, which I love. :) Lauren Wedertz and I decided that we wanted to start a girls bible study... and that group of girls have become my heart. They have become accountability buddies and are teaching me how to trust... I am not completely there yet, but I'm learning. NEW DISCOVERY: it so hard for me to 100% open with people... I've never told one person everything about me. Only a couple of people really know what I am dealing with. I'm too afraid to appear weak. I have always been the "strong" one.
As far as romantic relationships are concerned, trusting something with your entire being is an incredible concept to wrap your head around. That means that you have to expose all of yourself to that person... and for someone like me, that is almost impossible. Jordan and I had an awesome talk about this the other night... we are very similar in our thought patterns, and it has been difficult for both of us to throw down our pride at times.. but there comes a point when you realize that if you really care for someone, all that needs to be put aside.. and you see each other for who you really are and you work through it all and you know that no matter what that person isn't going anywhere. Sheesh, that's intense.. but it's so true.. and it's amazing how God gave us relationship such as that to reflect the love and grace that He has for all of us.

TRUSTING YOURSELF:
It's hard to trust yourself when you are the only one in your head. We all perceive ourselves differently from what the world thinks of us. I don't know about you, but I see people in denial about themselves all of the time, and I always think, "Wow, I really hope I'm not like that.." haha... terrible, but true. I am terrified that everything that I believe about myself is false. But when I think about it, I really am aware of who I really am... whether I like to admit it or not, I know the good and the bad sides of me. I think where some of us have gone wrong is when we see the bad, choose not to believe it and for years and years make up lies about ourselves to make it all feel better. But after years of lying to yourself, you are bound to believe those lies. I have made it a point to be honest with myself. I have prayed for God to open my eyes to who He has made me to be, and I want to be an honest version of that. Once you get to that point where you know exactly who God made you to be and you know who you are in Him, His purposes become clearer and clearer. :)

TRUSTING GOD:
This is one that we tend to overlook. It's easy to forget about God. Trusting someone who we never actually see with our entire purpose for living seems almost crazy. But that is the beauty in it all. God is so huge. Daily I see how consistent He is. He sustains everything happening in our natural environment. He sustains our breath, our being. Who says that He can't take care of us and our small(in the grand scheme of things) problems? Watch this Rob Bell video and be amazed. :)



God did not create us to let us fail. He created us so that we will prosper (Jeremiah 29:11). He knows what's coming next in our lives and He has prepared the way. In times like these where I feel stagnant and unsure of where I am going, I know that I need to remember that God is carrying through these times saying "I love you, buddy! You're gonna make it." This is just a season that is teaching me and growing me for the next stage of my life... whatever that may be... What ever it is, I am excited about it, and I will welcome it with open arms!
Even though this time has been hard for me to grasp at times, I am so blessed to be where I am! I am eager to share with you what God is teaching me through all of this! God's plan is not always our own. He will make course corrections along the way that will keep in line with His purposes. I want to badly to serve Him the best way that I can and in any way that I can. It's time for a new season and a new phase of life! Can't wait to figure out more of who I am, more of who God really is, and what He is making me into be!